The Hideous Tackiness that is Britain

For all of you Americans who don't eagerly await the yearly voice-over of Terry Wogan (Franz Ferdinand name drop in 'Matinee')- TV presenter, Radio DJ (radio 2 - music for old people who used to be cool), all round class guy - at the Eurovisions Song contest, let me tell you it is a marvel to behold. You are all seriously deprived! Every year we hunker down in front of our pathetically small television with the fuzzy picture to watch as well known European countries such as Germany compete against those lesser known countries such as Turkey (tell me how this is part of Europe - you really are in the Middle East you guys, come on, let's not try to pretend you're not terrorists, we all know the truth). Anyway, apparently Turkey is indeed part of Europe. You all seriously need to watch it on the web if you can. America has been mercifully spared the diabolical music that comes out of the competition. In fact, you have been mercifully spared a whole lot of absolutely shit pop music from Britain. The first British contestant I ever watched was a girl named Jessica Garlick - how unfortunate for her. Last year's entrants were called Gemini. You get the idea. Britian's entry this year is Jordan (AKA Katie Price). Now maybe the boys who peruse the 'lads mags' of America will know her, but over here she is what we'd call a very high profile C-class celebrity. Now don't get me wrong, I really love her. She speaks her mind, she's smarter than she looks, she's ambitious, she's engaged to an australian pop star called Peter Andre whose latest release was titled 'Insania' and she has a young son who is partially blind and probably has some 'learning difficulties', yet she still gets up every morning, dons her glossy hair extensions, trowels on the slap, sqeezes into her violent pink hotpants and fishnets and mounts her stallion (yes, despite her slapper appearance, she rides posh horses and lives on a country estate - one of the many contradictions being British affords - an odd combination of Aristo-envy and chavdom, as a foreigner I still don't get it). Now a chav is defined above, but please don't take this the wrong way. There are plenty of working class people out there who are not chavs/neds and I come from working class stock so I can hardly feel any distaste for my own people. And there are pleny of super rich people who are very chav-licious (Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham, Colleen McLoughlin). Y'all must come and see for yourself the wonderful subculture that thrives on this island! So the whole point of this was to encourage you all to watch Eurovision on the 19th/21st of May 2005. I know it's a ways away, but put that evening aside, I promise you won't be disappointed! You may hear such wonderful lines as 'If you want to get my love say the magic word:Sagapo, S.A.G.A.P.O...' by memorable musician Michalis Rakintzis.